effortlessly perfect











{August 6, 2013}   Part 2

I am trying to work on my self-critical thoughts and not hating myself so much. So I’ve decided to stop doing the things that make me hate myself. Eating is one of those things. 



{August 6, 2013}   Pardon my language but…

I am so fucking hungry! 



{July 12, 2013}   Photo and quote of the day

Celeb Diets and Thinspiration

11

 

I know I post quite a bit about Candice Swanepoel but she’s just so flipping gorgeous!!

Quote of the Day:

 

It does not get easier, you just get better at it.

 

I like that quote because it doesn’t just apply to weight loss and fitness, it can apply to everything.

Hannah xxx

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{July 12, 2013}   Trauma

Last week, my therapist brought up the concept of trauma. Evidently something I wrote or said made him think that there might be some trauma in my past. Now, don’t get me wrong, my life hasn’t been roses and rainbows, but I never really considered anything that happened to me in my past to actually be trauma. It sounds dramatic. I feel like the word trauma is reserved for people who have been to war or have been physically/sexually abused as a child.  It just seems like everything else is part of life. Right? Sure, shitty things may have happened or life could have just sucked for a while. But what exactly is trauma? 

And why exactly does it matter if I have experienced trauma or not? Does it really affect my recovery? Can’t I just admit I’ve had some shitty things happen to me and go on? I don’t want to rehash anything or talk about how it made me feel. It happened and it sucked. What else is there to discuss? People have had it worse than I have and are fine. There is no need for me to ramble on about how something made me feel 10 years ago, 20 years ago, etc. 

So, if you are reading this…. do you think trauma plays a part in addiction, eating disorders, etc? And how do you feel it affects recovery? 



{February 11, 2013}   walls

i started this journey more than two years ago and i’m not sure i really like who i’ve become. some other people who know at least a little about what i’ve been going through think that i’ve made progress. i’m not so sure. they say i’m becoming more honest. i feel like i’m emotional and needy. they say i’m opening up. i feel like i’m falling apart. they say that i’m getting more comfortable with imperfections. i feel like i’m broken and weak. they say this is progress. i feel like it’s only getting worse.

metaphorically speaking my walls are coming down. piece by piece the bricks are falling. they are cracking, chipping, and crumbling around me. to some, this is progress. the lack of walls expose the real me. they expose my emotions and desires. they show my weaknesses; where i fail. they uncover my hurt. the scars. the pain.

where there are walls, there are no tears. where there are walls, you can choose what to show. where there are walls, you are in control. you get to decide. you get to be whoever you want to be. everything is screened. everything is monitored. everything is censored. everything is perfect. there is no falling apart. there is no chaos. there is just perfection. only you can let things through the wall. only you can decide. it is very calculated. it is very intentional. there is no emotion. just logic. just facts. just intentional action or inaction.

i miss the walls. i miss the lack of emotion. i miss the cold, calculated actions. simply following a path toward a goal. nothing more, nothing less.

the lack of walls is breaking me. slowly and then all at once. the lack of walls feels paralyzing. i feel broken, weak, and defeated. i want the walls back. they were my strength. they were my crutch. they were the only thing that allowed me to go on. they were who i was. who i am.

i don’t want to be this person. without walls. i want the walls. i want to become me again.



{January 17, 2013}  


{January 17, 2013}   why

why wasn’t i good enough for you?  what did i do that made you not want to be around? to cast me aside and leave me there to wonder?  to know that i’m not enough for you. leaving me feeling flawed, broken, and worthless.

do you know what that did to me? what it still does?  the hole that it creates. a hole that nothing can fill. constantly wondering what i could do to gain your approval. to be good enough for you. to be enough.

it’s not a temporary pain. at least for me, it still remains. what could i have done to make you love me? why wasn’t i enough?



{January 17, 2013}   pain

i really don’t have anything profound to say, even though the pain in my chest and head is excruciating. part of me just wants to fill the screen with profanities. everything hurts so bad that it’s hard for me to even put together complete sentences or a coherent thought. i’m just over all of this. i want the pain to go away. i want to stop hurting. i want my head to stop spinning. i’m tired. i hurt. i can’t even get myself to cry, so it’s just bottled up inside of me. i want to scream. i want to hit something. i want to let it out. but i can’t. 

i never knew something could hurt this badly. i just want the pain to stop. someone, something, just make it stop. i hate feeling like this. i seem dramatic to myself, which just makes everything worse. i keep trying to tell myself to get my shit together. to stop with the emotion and drama and just be normal. seriously. just get your shit together and the pain may go away. 

i’m pretty sure i know it won’t go away, but at least then my life won’t seem like chaos too. i seriously don’t know what to do. what to do with myself. what to do with this pain. i hurt. my heart is screaming. my head is throbbing. my eyes are burning with unshed tears. i waffle from anger to agony. from frustration to hopelessness. 

at some point maybe i will begin to realize that nothing is going to change. this is my life and i just need to get used to it. maybe the pain will become normal to me. maybe i’ll become numb to it. i can only hope. 



{December 23, 2012}   Some Vicki’s & bikini thinspo!

smashinglyfabulous

A bunch of these pics are from the VS runway show this year, obviously they aren’t mine & usually none of the thinspo pictures are mine. Obviously since I’m not thin!ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

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{December 23, 2012}   Going skinny


et cetera