effortlessly perfect











{June 18, 2012}   A new day

I’m not quite sure what is happening to me, but I’m definitely feeling different. Maybe I’m feeling stronger or more independent. Maybe I believe there is something inside of me worth something. Or maybe I’m just resigning myself to the fact that I can’t control everything and whatever will be will be. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s definitely something different.

I have to be honest, I’m not sure I really like it. I don’t hate the feeling, but it’s pretty scary. My stomach is full of butterflies and my arms are a little shaky. Like nervous shaky, right before I give a speech or get on a rollercoaster.

I’m honestly not doing anything monumental here, but I will be away for a little while. Just a couple trips, one for work and one with family. I’ll be flying by myself for both of them and traveling by myself for part of them as well. I will be seeing things I’ve never seen before and experiencing new things as well. I’m nervous, but excited.

I am hoping and praying that this will be a turning point in my life. Having the opportunity to just be with myself, even if just for a short while. I’m eating better recently, which has helped me feel physically stronger, but my anxiety has been through the roof. I’m just nervous. About everything. I like structure, organization, and plans. But my life isn’t really like that right now. So, instead, I sit here with my butterflies and hope that putting one foot in front of the next is good enough for now.

If you are the praying type, I would ask you to send a few prayers my way. For strength, guidance, and safe-keeping during this time. That I would take care of myself and make healthy choices. And stay focused on the things that really matter in life, not the noise and chaos that currently surround me. I would appreciate that, immensely.

Being a list maker, I’m trying to make a list of things that would be helpful to me during this time. Things that will help me stay focused on being healthy and taking this time to make progress on my journey. I am planning to journal while I am away. Starting tomorrow (when I leave for the first trip), I plan to write something each day. Hopefully that can keep me focused and grounded and make sure I don’t slip too far in any direction. My journal is filled with positive quotes and notes from friends, so just the thought of it makes me happy.

This might be a little stream of consciousness, so I apologize, but I was just thinking about a time in my life when I felt most loved. When I felt happy and striving to keep myself healthy. It’s fascinating to me that I can feel that and remember even now how that felt, but then I let myself slip so far from it. Why can’t I just work toward that feeling? Why can’t I just make that my life? I wonder what I would need to do to feel that way more often? What is keeping me from just living that life now? Definitely things to ponder while I’m away. 🙂

For the first time in a while, I feel like I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to forgive, myself and others. I want to relax. I want to laugh. I want to travel. I want to live.

I know that I have quite a journey to get to that place. But I’m starting to think I might have the strength it takes to get there. I just have to hang on tight and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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