effortlessly perfect

{February 11, 2013}   walls

i started this journey more than two years ago and i’m not sure i really like who i’ve become. some other people who know at least a little about what i’ve been going through think that i’ve made progress. i’m not so sure. they say i’m becoming more honest. i feel like i’m emotional and needy. they say i’m opening up. i feel like i’m falling apart. they say that i’m getting more comfortable with imperfections. i feel like i’m broken and weak. they say this is progress. i feel like it’s only getting worse.

metaphorically speaking my walls are coming down. piece by piece the bricks are falling. they are cracking, chipping, and crumbling around me. to some, this is progress. the lack of walls expose the real me. they expose my emotions and desires. they show my weaknesses; where i fail. they uncover my hurt. the scars. the pain.

where there are walls, there are no tears. where there are walls, you can choose what to show. where there are walls, you are in control. you get to decide. you get to be whoever you want to be. everything is screened. everything is monitored. everything is censored. everything is perfect. there is no falling apart. there is no chaos. there is just perfection. only you can let things through the wall. only you can decide. it is very calculated. it is very intentional. there is no emotion. just logic. just facts. just intentional action or inaction.

i miss the walls. i miss the lack of emotion. i miss the cold, calculated actions. simply following a path toward a goal. nothing more, nothing less.

the lack of walls is breaking me. slowly and then all at once. the lack of walls feels paralyzing. i feel broken, weak, and defeated. i want the walls back. they were my strength. they were my crutch. they were the only thing that allowed me to go on. they were who i was. who i am.

i don’t want to be this person. without walls. i want the walls. i want to become me again.


et cetera