effortlessly perfect

{April 27, 2012}   Finding my voice

Between all of the restricting, binging, purging, crying, and stressing out it has been hard for me to see any real progress during my “recovery.” However there are moments when I find the ability to wade through the crap and realize just how far I’ve come in the past year or so. While this week has not been a good one for my eating disorder, a little light bulb came on last night about something I’ve made a lot of progress on.

I hate to be too excited or optimistic about this, but I think I might be finding my voice. As someone who has spent her entire life putting everyone else first and swallowing her thoughts and feelings, I think I’m beginning to speak up. Starting to say what I think. Voice my opinions. And maybe even begin to express my needs.

Some of the examples are very minor… picking what restaurant we go to, asking someone for a favor, or speaking up when something isn’t going well. I have even started doing this when it comes to my eating disorder and food. I normally have a lot of fear and shame when it comes to food. Honestly I’d love it if I didn’t need or want food at all. I hate eating in front of people, order food, or finding pleasure in it at all. So, picking restaurants, acting as if like something, sending food back if it’s prepared incorrectly, or even admiting that I’m hungry has been a HUGE struggle for me. But for some reason I’m getting better at it. I have moments when I realize that I need food to live and that that is ok. It may seem like an obvious statement for many people, but to me it’s a new concept. I am finally stopping to think about what I truly want to eat… and trying to come to grips with the fact that I do, actually want to eat something. That the growling of my stomach is for a reason and that I can’t ignore it forever.

My job has made a huge impact on finding my voice. While it may seem odd after reading all of my crazy and depressing posts, I actually have a decent job. I job in which I oversee a huge budget and about 70 people. Most days it’s completely overwhelming and I feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water…. although my co-workers and supervisor tend to think I’m a rockstar and doing really well… maybe that’s just my super self-critical inner voice beating myself up. 

Anyway, with that amount of responsibility and supervisory responsiblities, being passive isn’t really an option. So, as painful as this learning process has been, my job has forced me to speak up, have an opinion, and develop much thicker skin. It has been a struggle, to say the least, but it has been good for me as a person.  I have employees who aren’t huge fans of me… which I could never be ok with in the past.  But at some point I began to realize that I can’t make everyone happy all the time. And that even trying to do that, would mean that I’m not necessarily focusing on making myself happy.

So, for one moment of one day, I’m happy that I was able to wade through the crap, hurt, and fears and realize that I am moving in the right direction at least with one thing. I have been pretty hard on myself lately… pissed for not making more progress in recovery, guilty for not accomplishing more, mad for being so weak and inadequate… the list goes on.  But right now, I choose to be happy.  Because at least one thing is better than it was. And sometimes that has to be enough.


{April 25, 2012}   what i want – my house

I want a clean and organized house. Not meticulously spotless and perfect, but clean and organized. I want the walls painted in every room. I want pictures hung. Organized closets with labeled baskets, holding items being stored together.  I want each room to have a purpose and be organized in a way that makes sense. 

I want a place for the mail. I want a small desk for paying bills, sending mail, and organizing life. With stamps, envelopes, pens, and folders to file everything after it is completed. And a shredder to get rid of and  be done with anything I don’t actually need to keep!

I want a closet that is organized. That only has clothes in it that I will wear. I want my shoes lined in the bottom of my closet and purses hung together on the back of the door. A closet with plenty of hangers and where everything is easy to find.

I want an organized garage. Tools in toolboxes, bikes hanging on the wall, and gardening items stored on metal shelves off to the side. I want the floor swept and random garbage taken out as soon as it no longer has a place in the house.

I want a bedroom that is peaceful. Dressers and nightstands with cleaned off tops. A bed that is made every morning and pillows that top the fluffy, down comforter. I want beautiful pictures hung on the wall… of flowers or water or simple, peaceful things.

I want a place in my house where I can get away. I want a comfy chair. A book shelf. Warm colors. A blanket to snuggle up with. A small table to rest my hot tea on while I’m reading. A place for my bible. Somewhere that is always there. Somewhere I can always go and just be. Away from the chaos and noise of life. To regroup, recharge, and renew my spirit.

That is what I want.

{April 24, 2012}   a new group

As crappy as I feel things are right now, I have to stop and acknowledge how fortunate I am to have an eating disorder center no more than 20 minutes from my house. I dispise going there sometimes, but I can’t imagine where I’d be today if I didn’t have it as a resource and stable positive force in my life. Not only do I see a therapist there on a regular basis, but they have medical doctors and nutritionists available as well. It’s really a cool place.

Another thing they offer are groups… IOP, PHP, DBT… pretty much any combination of letters you can think of. 🙂  So, last night I started a DBT class. I really have no desire to go, but was encouraged to go by my therapist, who is also helping lead the class. It was nice to see him there, even if I found the whole experience super painful. I often surprise myself at how much classes like this bother me. On the outside, it doesn’t seem that bad… but internally, I am a complete mess.

The class itself was fine. Seems like a good group of women, many of whom I could really relate to. The two leaders are nice, seem very competent, and led the discussion well. Even the content seemed decent. I am NOT a fan of mindfulness, but I managed to get something from the exercises and lesson anyway.

One thing I found interesting during class was how painful it was for me to slow down and just be. The mindfulness exercises forced me to just sit and be still. It was awful!  I am finding that I keep my mind and myself constantly busy as a way to not have to think about the painful or emotional stuff in my life. I just shove it somewhere deep inside and never actually process it. So, sitting in that room, made me think and feel… something I hate!  I find this same thing when I pray.  When the world slows down and I am just sitting there with myself, all of the thoughts creep in. I’m wondering if forcing myself to be quiet, still, and mindful more often will help make this experience less painful. Something to try, I guess.

I was also surprised by how much it screwed me up emotionally. I am pretty good at keeping things inside and staying calm in public, so I didn’t break down, cry, or lose it during the class.  But man, was I a mess afterward. Unfortunately, I didn’t just sit in the car and cry, go home and journal, or help myself process what I was feeling. Oh no, I chose to use my eating disorder to get all of the shit out of my head and heart. I pretty much did exactly what I wasn’t supposed to do… binge, purge, distract, avoid, drink, etc. I just needed to be someone different, get away from it, pretend like it nothing happened. Like I didn’t feel a thing.

I am disappointed in myself, considering I’ve been dealing with this crap for a while now. I need to figure out how to make this better. I can’t keep doing this. Avoiding the hard stuff. Using ED to cope.  I made a promise to myself (and my therapist) that I would continue with the DBT group for a few weeks. He said I should go for him… even if I didn’t want to go for myself.  And that he’d be ok with me dropping out if I went for a month and felt it wasn’t helping.  The weird thing is, I actually want to go back. The content was helpful and will be beneficial in my “recovery.”  I just need to figure out how to cope. I can’t breakdown every Monday night. I can’t binge, purge, and be so self-destructive after each class. I’m planning to talk to my therapist about it later this week. 

One last random thought… I’m wondering if I need to just breakdown. I have spent the last couple decades trying to hold my shit together. Maybe it’s time to stop.  The pain and hurt are welling inside of me… just piling on top of the old hurt and pain.  My eyes have been burning for the past several days… like I want to cry but can’t. Maybe I just need to let it go. I’m not entirely sure how to do that, but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it together. Maybe just being a mess would be a welcome change. 🙂

{April 20, 2012}   a new low

I think one of the shittiest parts of this whole thing is that I really have no idea where the bottom is.  I feel like I hit my head on the bottom, on the lowest point I can reach.  A place that makes the pain I’ve felt in the past seem like nothing. Like a papercut or jammed finger.  It’s like I’m feeling new levels of pain constantly. I don’t think it can hurt  any more or any worse. And then it does.

Why can’t I get my shit together? Why can’t I make this stop? I feel so weak. So useless. Like such a failure. Why am I not strong enough?  I’m so over all of this. Just make it stop.

{April 19, 2012}  

{April 10, 2012}   turning life on it’s head


So, here’s a question that I would love your thoughts on….

Lately I have felt the desire to “turn my life on it’s head” for lack of a better phrase. This could mean several different things, including quitting my job (for a different one of course), selling my house and moving into a cute little loft downtown, immersing myself in a new hobby, and really just changing my lifestyle all together. While all of it sounds really fun and exciting, I am wondering if all of this is simply a way to distract myself or make external changes as a way of handling my internal pain and struggles.

I know that sometimes when people are stuck in a rut it takes big changes to get unstuck. But do you think I may just make all of these changes and feel the exact same way six months from now?  Or maybe these are all things I’ve been wanting to do for some time now, but have been talking myself out of because they are too selfish or crazy?

Ugh, who knows?!?!  I’d love to hear your thoughts… on this situation or anything really. 🙂

et cetera