effortlessly perfect

{August 31, 2012}  

R is for Recovery (and Rebekah)

I’d like to forewarn you about this post. It’s hard to read. It’s challenging. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to make you angry. It might make you cry. It might hurt your feelings. And if it does, I am sorry. But you know what? Eating disorders make me mad. They are unjust. You don’t DESERVE to have an eating disorder. You are so much more VALUABLE than this. And meant for much, much more than what the ED provides. I hope I’ve managed to say all of this in a somewhat loving way though. It’s my intention. It’s a bit of tough love. And I hope it not only challenges, but also encourages.

Bek X

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{August 27, 2012}   Buckets of tears

A couple years ago, a friend of mine said that she remembers thinking that she’d never stop crying when her father died. That she would just sit on her bed with a box of tissues and cry forever. Although my situation is different and thankfully doesn’t include a death, I am beginning to feel at least a little bit like my friend did with the never-ending tears.

It’s like a flood gate opened. And I can’t get it closed. It’s as if all of the thoughts and feelings that I have held inside all of these years are now pouring out of me. I’m sad, angry, disappointed, hurt, relieved… a balled into one overflowing bucket of tears.

This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. It hurts. And I’m ready for it to stop.

{August 27, 2012}   This might hurt a little

You know those times when you feel like you are standing at the edge of a cliff and are just staring out in front of you. The bright blue sky ahead of you, with the never ending fall below you. Butterflies fill your stomach and you take deep breaths to quiet your rapid heartbeat. You feel as though you might be better off just standing at the edge of the cliff for a while. Or forever. But you can’t. No matter how much you want to or pretend as if it is for the best, you can’t just stand there anymore.

You have to leap. Forward. Into the unknown. You may fall. A lot. You may float or soar. You may hit a bump or two on your way down… Or up. You really have no way of knowing what is ahead. The only thing you know for sure is that you can’t stay where you are.

So you take that last deep breath, close your eyes, and take the step.

{August 22, 2012}   Question of the Day: Fear

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately. Namely what I am afraid of and what it keeps me from doing. The fascinating thing about fear to me is that there are so many levels of it. I am very afraid of snakes, but have no really reason other than that I find them creepy. I’m also afraid of tornados, but mostly because they come out of no where and cause such destruction and loss. But then on a much deeper level, I’m afraid of being alone and failure. And my biggest fear is that I’ll never be good enough.

The last three fears definitely hold me back from truly living life. But what about you?  What are your fears? Do they hold you back or keep you from something in life?  And is there anything you have done or plan to do to overcome them?  

I was chatting with my doctor last week and we were talking about how much I turn to unhealthy behaviors to calm my emotions, distract myself, make myself feel better, soothe my anxiety, etc. She asked me if the behaviors actually made me feel better or served their purpose, and if they did, for how long? She encouraged me to make a list of other things that I could turn to when I would normally turn to these unhealthy behaviors. I’m very good at trading one unhealthy behavior for another, but struggle with finding healthy options to serve these same needs.

I would love, love, love to hear your thoughts on this and any suggestions you might have for what might help or could go on my list!  Do you have similar issues?  What has or hasn’t worked for you?  No suggestion is too big, small, silly, serious, expensive, or frivilous! 🙂

{August 15, 2012}   Fuck it.

Fuck it all. I’m so done with everything.

{August 14, 2012}   I don’t understand

I don’t understand how I can feel this badly and yet do nothing to fix it. Every day I have a headache. From the time I get up to the time I go to bed. Throbbing, pounding, aching pain in my neck, back and head. It’s like the stress has my neck in a vice and is slowly twisting it tighter and tighter. My eyes burn, my throat hurts. I’m tired. Physically I am spent.

Emotionally I’m not much better.  I don’t smile as much anymore. I am constantly stressed. Afraid. Anxious. Angry. I am more pessimistic than I’ve ever been, not really believing that things will work out in the end. I find myself being bitchy and cranky. Just wanting to go to sleep to avoid it all. I am nervous and anxious about so much… money, weight, job, house, relationships… really the list never ends. I’m an emotional mess, which I hate. Because I hate emotions. And crying. Good lord I hate crying. I just want to stop.

Spiritually I’m broken. Intellectually I feel like I’m getting dumber by the minute. I don’t know what has happened to me. I never used to be like this.

But the baffling thing to me is why. How can I see and feel what is happening to me and not do anything about it? You’d think I’d take every bit of my energy and ounce of my strength to fight these feelings and get back to my old self. You’d think there would become a point when enough is enough and I just can’t take it anymore. You’d think that I’d care that I’m slowly falling apart.  Care enough to do something about it. Care enough to stop the spiral.

But I don’t and I’m not. And I just don’t understand why.

{August 10, 2012}  

As the title suggests, “so perfectly described.” Beautiful words and image.

{August 10, 2012}   Loud

Everything sounds really loud today. My co-workers voices as they talk on the phone. The sound of my keyboard clicking as I type. Even the sound of the air conditioner seems like it’s blaring this morning. I hear coughing, heels clicking on the tile floor, mindless chit chat, coffee brewing, and a single metal spoon clinking against the side of a bowl as someone enjoys their morning oatmeal.

It seems deafening. My head is throbbing. My eyes burning. My shoulders aching. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to go home and curl up in bed. Head on the pillow. Blanket wrapped around my cold feet. I want my mind to stop. To quiet the spinning and swirling and thinking. I want the lights to dim and the noises to stop. Not forever, but just for today.

It just all seems so loud. Too loud for today.

{August 9, 2012}   hate

When I was younger people used to say they hated things… “I hate green beans” or “I hate the color yellow” or even worse “I hate her.”  And any adult within earshot would counter with, “you don’t hate them. hate is such a strong word.”

Well, regardless of what we said as children or were told by adults at that time, it’s hard for me to think that “hate” isn’t the exact word I feel when talking about myself. I’m pretty sure I hate myelf.  I hate what I look like. I hate what I feel. I hate what I haven’t accomplished. I hate how broken I am. I hate that I haven’t done anything with my life. I hate that I am sad so often. I even hate that I hate myself. It seems dramatic and pathetic. I hate that I’m dramatic and pathetic.

This isn’t how life was supposed to be. And this definitely wasn’t how I was supposed to turn out. When I was young I had dreams. Goals. Things I wanted to do, be, and have. And although I have been blessed with so many things in my life, what have I done with them. Nothing. I’ve wasted them and have become a lazy, dramatic, broken person. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel as though I can do anything anymore. I am tired. Defeated. Broken. And weak.

So, yes, hate may be a strong word. But it’s the one that fits.

et cetera