effortlessly perfect











{September 14, 2012}   just a moment of strength

All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you, something great will come of it

I read phrase a couple months ago on pinterest and it immediately stuck in my head. I know that I back away from risk for fear of what will happen, even when that risk is one I should take to become a better, healthier person.  I allow my mind to spiral into craziness of what could happen or the worst case scenario. I believe the word is catastrophizing… something I excel in. 🙂

So, instead of moving forward, taking risks, and living the life I dream of. I stay here. Static. Moving no where, which feels a lot like moving backward as the world rushes past me. The phrase above made me realize (or at least hope) that all I needed was a little burst of insane courage… take the step and let life take care of the rest. Quit your job. Jump out of the plane. Tell him you love him. Whatever it may be that you are stopping yourself from doing.

Maybe it is just 20 seconds of insane courage that will help us move forward. Move past these fears. Or at least close our eyes, hold on tight, and push through them. The fears probably don’t go away. And the pain might actually be as bad as you feared. But the only way I’ll ever know is by trying. At some point it can’t be worse than standing still.  

 



{September 6, 2012}   the truth

The truth is…

  • my smile hides a constant frown
  • my confidence masks self-doubt and an intense fear of failure
  • thoughts of weight and appearance are never-ending
  • i try to create the illusion of perfection, to distract myself (and everyone else) from the chaos that is my reality
  • most people would think of me as innocent, polite, and well behaved, but i have secrets that are eating me alive inside
  • i have a headache every day that never goes away. i have taken so many painkillers for it that i’ve eroded the lining of my stomach
  • i believe that life would be so much better if i were skinny
  • i have many friends, but don’t feel as though i can be honest or truly myself with any of them
  • i fake strength, but truly believe i am weak
  • i am becoming quieter and quieter, often times preferring to be alone
  • sometimes i wonder how much pain i can actually take before i give up
  • i hate crying and try to never let anyone see me cry
  • i pretend to have my shit together, when i really feel as though everything is falling apart inside
  • i question everything i say and do, but try not to show that to anyone
  • i live my life by the “shoulds”
  • i don’t believe i’ll become much of anything in life, failing to reach my potential, whatever that means
  • i worry about everything. constantly
  • i wonder if i will ever let anyone truly see the real me. i’m not sure they could handle it. or i could handle thinking about what they think of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



{September 5, 2012}  


{September 5, 2012}  


{September 5, 2012}  

I feel as though I could say this way too often. Maybe my heart is being given to the wrong people or maybe I’m allowing them to break it.

PerpetualSlumber

You broke my heart.

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{September 5, 2012}   two years.

wholehearted musings

I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since I started purging. Two years since I dove head first into bulimia. And almost 11 years since I first started flirting with my ED. Time flies when you’re obsessed with food.

It just blows my mind. I was sitting in my epidemiology class today when the thought popped into my mind. I was slightly stunned. I didn’t realize it had been so long; I didn’t realize what I’d been subjecting my body to all this time. I still remember when I first started purging consistently like it was only yesterday. In hindsight, if I’d known that just one time on September 23rd, 2010 would turn into thousands of times, I would’ve thought twice. I’m not exaggerating. I did the math. I have purged literally thousands of times, granted the frequency now is nowhere near what it used to be. And for…

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{September 5, 2012}  

Finding My Way Back To Myself

For most of my life, I’ve always been identified by my body. I silently struggled with eating disorders, but never said a word to anyone. As the years have gone on, the intensity has only heightened.

Everything about who I am has been measured by food scales, tape measures, weight loss meetings, extensive exercising and journalling. When that didn’t work, I resorted to ephedra, hydroxicut and other means of fast weight loss. I’ve worked out for many hours, for many days beyond 5 days a week. When I trained for karate, my heart soared with the spirit, a true passion for something deeper than myself. 

Yesterday in SAFE, we talked about the Pathological Critic, during my group session one of the members had commented about her own observation surrounding being overweight. She said she recognizes that she is a good person, is smart, but does need to lose some…

View original post 364 more words



{September 5, 2012}  

Finding My Way Back To Myself

For most of my life, I’ve always been identified by my body. I silently struggled with eating disorders, but never said a word to anyone. As the years have gone on, the intensity has only heightened.

Everything about who I am has been measured by food scales, tape measures, weight loss meetings, extensive exercising and journalling. When that didn’t work, I resorted to ephedra, hydroxicut and other means of fast weight loss. I’ve worked out for many hours, for many days beyond 5 days a week. When I trained for karate, my heart soared with the spirit, a true passion for something deeper than myself. 

Yesterday in SAFE, we talked about the Pathological Critic, during my group session one of the members had commented about her own observation surrounding being overweight. She said she recognizes that she is a good person, is smart, but does need to lose some…

View original post 364 more words



{September 3, 2012}   treatment teams vs stubborn wills

Surfacing After Silence

Image

I know there can be a lot of mixed feelings about your treatment team, especially when you’re caught up in the thick of an eating disorder or addiction or in the midst of a bad depressive episode.  You like to think that you know what’s best for you, and these people that only see you once a week or once a month–what do they know?  And all too often, they suggest things that just rub the wrong way–seeking more intensive care, finding a nutritionist, trying new coping skills that sound pointless.

I have to admit that I once had that relationship with my treatment team.  And then I decided I wanted to get better.  I didn’t want to continue the “sick life”–constantly weak, in and out of hospitals, fainting, lying to family and friends, not being able to function fully in life.

Once I really made the decision that I…

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{September 3, 2012}  


et cetera