effortlessly perfect











{January 31, 2012}   words from a friend…

I received the list below in my inbox today.  It has some great things to remember or strive for, so I thought I would share…

HANDBOOK for 2012

Health:
1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4.       Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Make time to pray.
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did in 2011 .
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours.
10.     Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11.    Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13.    Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
14.    Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake
17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20.    Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more.
24.    You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…

Society:
25.    Call your family often.
26.    Each day give something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything.
28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6.
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.
31.    Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34.    Love has healing power.
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come…
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, be thankful for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

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{January 23, 2012}   Finding “Rhythm” In Your Life

The Voyages Project

If you are an athlete you have likely experienced what it’s like to be in the “zone.”  The place where time seems to slow down, your body seems to obey your intentions without thinking, and for a moment you feel like you cannot miss.  Everything you do is with ease.

Fortunately the “zone” is not restricted to just the athletic arena.  We can be in this state of mind in just about any area of our lives.

Being in the “zone” does not just happen, but is the result of intentionality within our lives.  For example; the athlete trains and practices, the happy couple makes their relationship a priority, the successful father or mother parents on purpose, and the satisfied professional works at their craft.  When preparation meets opportunity, the “zone” is possible.

While the “zone” is a near state of perfection (if that were possible), getting there is not.  We often…

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{January 23, 2012}   I saw this:

Have your cake and eat it

and thought it was worth posting.  I like it.

Shortest blog post ever.

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{January 19, 2012}  

I started wondering this morning if there is a point where I don’t have a choice anymore. A point where my body and mind FORCE me to stop and deal with these issues. So far, I have worked my ass off to hide my eating disorder and related physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual struggles from pretty much everyone. My husband is aware of some of it, but I definitely don’t share everything with him. A couple friends know I’m going through something, but don’t have any details. Other than that, no one knows a thing.

It’s a daily show for me to pretend to have the energy, enthusiasm, and motivation to get dressed, let alone do well at work, and continue through life as if nothing is wrong.  I muster up a smile, when I want to cry. I fake energy, when I need a nap. I pretend to care about work, when I want to quit.  I say I’m fine, when someone asks how I’m doing.  And I keep plugging along, when I need a break. I’ve pretty much been doing that my whole life anyway, but it’s been significantly hardly and more draining this past year while I’ve been dealing with my eating disorder.

So, back to my thought this morning… is there a point where my body just revolts and says no?  A couple weeks ago I found myself in the emergency room. I’ll spare you the details, but it turned out to be the culmination of a lot of physical problems I had been avoiding or minimizing.  My body eventually started yelling at me and refused to function properly anymore.  I’m still dealing with the “aftermath” of that episode… not fun.

Mentally and emotionally things have been much tougher too. Just getting through a day is a struggle sometimes. I am absolutely exhausted and just want to crawl in to bed. It’s hard to focus on anything for too long. Or find the energy to complete projects. My standards on job performance have been dropping considerably and most of the time I’m just trying to get through things, instead of do them well.  It is maddening to me, because I have always prided myself on succeeding, overachieving, and performing well. 

My recent pathetic performance only makes me mad at myself and triggers me to try to push harder.  Failing or mediocrity is really not acceptable to me, but instead of taking time off so I can get back to being myself, I push… and push and push. It’s so weird to me. I’m not sure I even know what taking a break looks like.  Breaks are inconvenient and seem weak… two things I have no desire to be. So I keep going. Slowly wearing myself down and making things worse.

I wonder if there will be a time where I don’t have a choice. That I will have to stop. That I will have to admit that I need a break. That I will have to be real. 

 



{January 18, 2012}   ramblings…

Another morning of not being able to put together a complete thought. So much crap in my head, but not enough energy to focus it into anything productive. So, I’m left with ramblings…

1. I hurt. Physically. I’m tired. My body is achy. Head is throbbing. Eyes burning. I’m sure I’m dehydrated and not getting enough sleep. And something is making me nauseous. I wish I could just give this body back and start over.

2. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of cancelling appointments, mostly with my therapist and nutritionist. I cancelled two today. I’m not feeling well, so it wasn’t a lie that I was sick. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone today. I didn’t want to hear that I need to be doing something different. I beat myself up with that information and it just makes everything worse. However, I also feel guilty about cancelling the appointment. Does it ever end?

3. I have a ridiculously strong desire to clean and organize my house. Almost to an OCD extend… I want everything to have a place, every picture hung, blanket folded, plate washed, clean counters, shiny mirrors. Like a beautiful picture from a magazine. My house, as it is currently, is stressful. It isn’t dirty, but just a little more “lived in” than I would like.  When I come home after a long day, I get frustrated and stressed about the house not being perfect… like instead of going to bed, I should organize the bills or hang pictures. I’m pretty sure I’d find something else to stress about, even if my house did look picture perfect.

4. A couple months ago my therapist said to me that I didn’t care about myself. He said that it was evident that I cared about what other people thought of me or how I performed, but that deep down I didn’t care about me. The true me.  It definitely hit home with me, but I couldn’t disagree. I thought about this comment again yesterday, as I ran out into the freezing, snowy weather without a coat. I don’t wear one. I never really have. Even in ridiculously cold or crappy weather. It’s like taking care of myself or my body isn’t even a consideration. It’s not that I’m warm, because I’m not. But the only point of wearing a coat is to keep me warm or make me feel good, so it seems like a waste of time. Bizarre, I know.

5. I have some incredible friends. They are good people. Hearts of gold. And truly care about me. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Even my worst days are so much better because of them.

6. Recovery is exhausting. It seems never-ending. It feels like a horrible rollercoaster that isn’t fun and doesn’t stop. Although I don’t think I’ve ever really committed to recovery. I just don’t trust that things will be better on the other side. Or that I can even do or go through what I need to in order to get to that other side. It’s like beating my head against a wall on a daily basis.



May I find peace in this uncertain world.

I’m hanging on, I am. Tight, gripping so hard my knuckles turn white. I’m told there is light on the other side. I’m told that crossing over to the other side of eating disordered to recovery is so worth it. I cannot imagine being completely out of this shadow, but I would like to have hope that there really is something beautiful waiting for me at the end of this.

I’ve been in the darkness for so long, the small amounts of light that have been shining is so overwhelming. But, I do have hope. I’ve forgotten what hope tastes like. It sure does taste better than any binge after a long week of starving. For that, I can find gratitude. I can taste a little hope and I feel the grips of the eating disorder around my ankles and throat loosen, just subtly… but I’m no longer suffocating.

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{January 14, 2012}   Juggling

My Intuitive Eating Journey

I can’t hold all these balls in the air.

They are going to come crashing down any second.

I’m only me.  Me used to be able to handle all the balls.

But today, I can’t.

I don’t want to.  I feel my inner child rebelling.

I don’t want to feel what I feel.  I want to forget.  I want to just eat, and drink and not think of what a failure I feel like.  And not think of how unhappy I am.  Not think of how it feels like there is very little to do and how I can’t change it.

I’m a problem solver.  It’s what I do for a living, and it’s how I approach everything.  What’s the problem, what are the options, creatively think of a solution, apply the solution and problem solved.

It doesn’t work that way with feeling though.  Emotions cannot be rationalized.  I don’t…

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{January 14, 2012}   Disordered Thinking

DESIGNING MY OWN REALITY

It’s so scary how 90% of these describe me spot on….

I’m one screwed up little child.

 

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May I find peace in this uncertain world.

I’m sitting here again, with a sense of heavy fear. The root of the fear is for different reasons. I’m trying to understand fully what I am feeling because I don’t know. I just know it does not feel good. In fact, it feels terrible. I feel a sense of loss in something. I also feel a good amount of sadness. I always thought I felt these things when I was in the depths of my eating disorder. I could even say that if I think back, that I definitely felt these things. But I think I hindered the maximum feeling. It’s scary to feel things.

Sometimes it’s scary to feel good things, but I think for me, it’s even more frightening to handle the bad feelings. Feeling a sense of loss is overwhelming because I feel a dire need to fill that hole. This sense of loss is a…

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et cetera