effortlessly perfect











{November 18, 2012}   Tired

Sometimes I just want to be done. Done thinking, doing, wishing, fearing, feeling. Sometimes I just want it all to stop.



{November 17, 2012}   Responsibility & such

Why am I always the responsible one? The one who thinks of others, pays all of her bills on time, never forgets a birthday, and analyzes every decision to make sure it logical, responsible and mature. I don’t start laundry when someone is in the shower. I balance my checkbook a couple times a week. I start my Christmas shopping in October to make sure I fine the perfect presents for my loved ones. I get the oil changed in my car at the exact moment it tells me too. And I never go into an express lane with more items than I’m supposed to have.

Obviously I’m a rule follower and do my best to be a people pleaser too. To be honest though, the whole thing makes me sad. You see, I never really had much of a childhood. I was forced to be grown up, responsible and unemotional at a very young age. I was taught that emotions or needs were selfish, so I worked hard at not having any. I got pretty good at it and really didn’t know any different at the time.

But, lets just say that now I’m realizing just how fucked up I am because of it. Gotta go…. More on this later.



{November 13, 2012}   Why?

Why do I let everyone take advantage of me? Why do I spend all my time with people who take advantage of me anyway? Why don’t I respect myself more than this? Speak up and stand up for myself? I don’t get it. But it’s starting to piss me off.



{September 6, 2012}   the truth

The truth is…

  • my smile hides a constant frown
  • my confidence masks self-doubt and an intense fear of failure
  • thoughts of weight and appearance are never-ending
  • i try to create the illusion of perfection, to distract myself (and everyone else) from the chaos that is my reality
  • most people would think of me as innocent, polite, and well behaved, but i have secrets that are eating me alive inside
  • i have a headache every day that never goes away. i have taken so many painkillers for it that i’ve eroded the lining of my stomach
  • i believe that life would be so much better if i were skinny
  • i have many friends, but don’t feel as though i can be honest or truly myself with any of them
  • i fake strength, but truly believe i am weak
  • i am becoming quieter and quieter, often times preferring to be alone
  • sometimes i wonder how much pain i can actually take before i give up
  • i hate crying and try to never let anyone see me cry
  • i pretend to have my shit together, when i really feel as though everything is falling apart inside
  • i question everything i say and do, but try not to show that to anyone
  • i live my life by the “shoulds”
  • i don’t believe i’ll become much of anything in life, failing to reach my potential, whatever that means
  • i worry about everything. constantly
  • i wonder if i will ever let anyone truly see the real me. i’m not sure they could handle it. or i could handle thinking about what they think of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



{June 18, 2012}   A new day

I’m not quite sure what is happening to me, but I’m definitely feeling different. Maybe I’m feeling stronger or more independent. Maybe I believe there is something inside of me worth something. Or maybe I’m just resigning myself to the fact that I can’t control everything and whatever will be will be. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s definitely something different.

I have to be honest, I’m not sure I really like it. I don’t hate the feeling, but it’s pretty scary. My stomach is full of butterflies and my arms are a little shaky. Like nervous shaky, right before I give a speech or get on a rollercoaster.

I’m honestly not doing anything monumental here, but I will be away for a little while. Just a couple trips, one for work and one with family. I’ll be flying by myself for both of them and traveling by myself for part of them as well. I will be seeing things I’ve never seen before and experiencing new things as well. I’m nervous, but excited.

I am hoping and praying that this will be a turning point in my life. Having the opportunity to just be with myself, even if just for a short while. I’m eating better recently, which has helped me feel physically stronger, but my anxiety has been through the roof. I’m just nervous. About everything. I like structure, organization, and plans. But my life isn’t really like that right now. So, instead, I sit here with my butterflies and hope that putting one foot in front of the next is good enough for now.

If you are the praying type, I would ask you to send a few prayers my way. For strength, guidance, and safe-keeping during this time. That I would take care of myself and make healthy choices. And stay focused on the things that really matter in life, not the noise and chaos that currently surround me. I would appreciate that, immensely.

Being a list maker, I’m trying to make a list of things that would be helpful to me during this time. Things that will help me stay focused on being healthy and taking this time to make progress on my journey. I am planning to journal while I am away. Starting tomorrow (when I leave for the first trip), I plan to write something each day. Hopefully that can keep me focused and grounded and make sure I don’t slip too far in any direction. My journal is filled with positive quotes and notes from friends, so just the thought of it makes me happy.

This might be a little stream of consciousness, so I apologize, but I was just thinking about a time in my life when I felt most loved. When I felt happy and striving to keep myself healthy. It’s fascinating to me that I can feel that and remember even now how that felt, but then I let myself slip so far from it. Why can’t I just work toward that feeling? Why can’t I just make that my life? I wonder what I would need to do to feel that way more often? What is keeping me from just living that life now? Definitely things to ponder while I’m away. 🙂

For the first time in a while, I feel like I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to forgive, myself and others. I want to relax. I want to laugh. I want to travel. I want to live.

I know that I have quite a journey to get to that place. But I’m starting to think I might have the strength it takes to get there. I just have to hang on tight and keep putting one foot in front of the other.



{November 28, 2011}   fight for me

Growing up, and honestly still today, my family worked hard to suppress their emotions. They’ll show love and gratitude… you know, the “pretty” emotions… but everything else was off limits. We didn’t yell. We didn’t cry. We didn’t fight. We (the kids) didn’t express displeasure. We didn’t say we were disappointed, let down, or sad. Not only did this atmosphere do a number on my ability to express emotions, it also hurt me by not having people show those emotions toward me.

While I know there are tons of children out there who had “worse” childhoods than I did, it’s not like mine wasn’t filled with events or situations to illicit those messy or negative emotions. I had my fair share of heartache and loss, along with just those normal struggles while growing up. But the pressure and expectation to not react, to not fall apart, to not cry, or even be sad…. that pressure might have hurt me the most.

So, what this has left me with is the deep desire for someone to fight. For me. For life. For what they believe it. I want someone to care so much about me that they do get mad. I want to care so deeply for someone else that I can’t help but cry. People hurt each other. People are broken, messy individuals. I want someone to care enough to yell or be hurt. I want to see that passion… toward me… and in me. I’m tired of sweeping things under the rug. Not being vulnerable. Being too afraid to do anything because it might get messy.

I remember sitting in church a couple years ago and seeing a little girl get fussy. Her dad was getting frustrated and took her out in the hallway. I remember thinking that I wish I had a dad like that. I wish I had a dad who cared enough to take us to church… or join us when the family attended together. I wish I had a dad who cared enough to get mad or frustrated. And even through his frustration, handle the situation with love and patience. I wish I had that. Someone who was there. Someone who loved me, even when I wasn’t acting or doing as I should. Someone who loves me for me… no matter how cliche that sounds.

I have a friend who has two teenagers.  I watch him get mad. I watch him get so frustrated, pissed, and hurt that he can’t even see straight.  When one of his kids got in serious trouble he was so mad he couldn’t focus on anything else until he had talked with his son. Gotten him straighten out and back on track. He cares, even when his son does something completely stupid and ridiculous.  I want that. I want to know that I can do something completely stupid and ridiculous and still be loved.

I grew up in the big, gorgeous, spotless house with the quiet, flawless, and respected family… who never yelled or fought… but never really learned how to love or live either.  I grew up thinking that in order to even begin to be loved that I had to be perfect.  Not only could I not break a rule, but I couldn’t be anything less than impressive.

You see, my father was in politics. An elected official in our state. He was always in a state of having to impress or sell himself… to win elections, to pass the next big bill, to move further in his career. I remember feeling an overwhelming amount of pressure to help (or not screw up) his career and elections.  I knew that if I was the perfect little girl, he could talk about me in his campaign speeches… his wonderful daughter, so strong academically, with a bright future.  And as the speeches, campaigns, and brochures continued, the pressure grew.

I remember thinking how much trouble I would get in if I ever got caught drinking before I was 21.  Or being at a party that I shouldn’t have been in. I remember thinking about the article in the newspaper… about this elected officials daughter getting in trouble. My fears weren’t about me… getting in trouble, getting thrown in jail, getting suspended from school… none of that mattered… what happened to me didn’t matter.  What mattered is that my mother (a prominent person in our school corporation) and my father (the elected official) would be embarassed by me… their careers, images, and ability to portray this perfect family, would be damaged. I couldn’t do that to them.  I had to be perfect. I had to be something (not even someone) to be proud of.

The shitty part about all of this is that I don’t know what to do about any of it. It hurts. I feel empty. I feel as if no one cares enough to truly fight. I want someone to grab on to me and not let go, no matter how hard I try to get away. I want someone to look me in the eyes and say that they will always love me no matter how much of a mess I am. No matter how broken I become. That they will love me no matter what.



{October 25, 2011}   If you really knew me…

If you really knew me…

  • you’d know that I am afraid of losing this battle.
  • you’d know that I am afraid it will become too much for me and that I will just give up.
  • you’d know that I am just now figuring out who I am or that I am someone independant of who I “should” be.
  • you’d know that I smile all the time because I see emotions as weakness.
  • you’d know that sometimes I just want you to listen… not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like you care.
  • you’d know that I’m scared that you will leave me.
  • you’d know that sometimes the weight of my sadness is too much for me to handle, like I’m drowning and can’t keep my head above water.
  • you’d know that at any point in the day, I know exactly how many calories I’ve eaten.
  • you’d know that I choose to hurt myself because it hurts less than having to feel anything else.
  • you’d know that there are so many things I wish I could say.
  • you’d know that your words and actions hurt me even though they weren’t meant to.
  • you’d know that I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I’ll feel when you finally let me go.
  • you’d know that I am so incredibly mean to myself.
  • you’d know that I look at the nutritional information of every restaurant menu before I go there with you.
  • you’d know that I really just want to be happy and content.
  • you’d know that I sometimes need your help, but I’m not sure how to tell you this.
  • you’d know that I really do care about you.
  • you’d know that I cry when no one is around.
  • you’d know that I hold back from recovering because I hang on to my eating disorder as an excuse to not chase after my real goals or truly live life.
  • you’d know that I don’t like my eating disorder. I just am having a hard time disliking it right now.
  • you’d know that I feel too ashamed, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I can’t cope without hurting myself.
  • you’d know that I can’t see myself as anything but fat and ugly.
  • you’d know that I weigh myself constantly.
  • you’d know that I’m afraid to truly know myself and understand my feelings and wishes.
  • you’d know that as I’m smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head.
  • you’d know that my family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit.
  • you’d know that I believe that everyone’s flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine.
  • you’d know that I’m always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and ED is ALWAYS screaming at me about something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head.
  • you’d know that I’d love to escape to somewhere by the ocean, to eat, drink, dance, and sleep without a care in the world.
  • you’d know that I regret not being more committed during treatment. I didn’t make the progress I could have and I hate myself for that.
  • you’d know that I feel guilty about all the pain I feel.
  • you’d know that I hate feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it.
  • you’d know that I am very sensitive, although I attempt to be seen by others as strong.
  • you’d know that what you said hurts.
  • you’d know that I am crying for help, but can’t find the words.
  • you’d know that no one could berate me more than I do myself.
  • you’d know that I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of.
  • you’d know that without this mask I don’t really know who I am.
  • you’d know that I struggle to be trusting of anyone.
  • you’d know that my eating disorder is the only constant in my life, the only thing which feels unchanging regardless of what is going on around me. It is the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that comes my way.
  • you’d know that the bigger my smile, the bigger my pain.
  • you’d know that I use my body to convey what my words cannot.
  • you’d know that I always feel like a burden, but usually try to hide it.
  • you’d know that I don’t want you to give up on me. I need you to believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself.
  • you’d know that I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won’t even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something that is ok to be mad about.
  • you’d know that I am constantly searching for something that will make my parents proud of me.
  • you’d know that sometimes I cancel plans with you because I feel fat or don’t want to be seen.
  • you’d know that I am scared shitless because I don’t know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction.
  • you’d know that I am trying to hold tight to my faith and stay strong in my relationship with God.  It is often harder than I would like to admit.
  • you’d know that I have an immense amount of guilt over my actions and eating disorder.  This prevents me from telling you about them, as I don’t want you to shoulder my pain or know my secret for what it is.
  • you’d know that I am afraid that I could achieve wonderful things in life. But I have never let myself try, because I am afraid of failing miserably.
  • you’d know that I’m scared that this will kill me.


{September 28, 2011}   quotes & pics

A friend of mine has a blog that consists purely of pictures and quotes. I love looking through it when I have a few spare minutes. The pictures are breathtaking and warm my heart. The quotes are inspiring, uplifting, and thought-provoking little messages. It’s a wonderful escape from a world filled with words, rules, and expectations… for her and it’s “readers.”

Maybe someday she’ll let me share the link with you, but for now, I thought I would just share a few of my favorites…

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Never let anyone make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.

It’s nice when someone remembers small details about you. Not because you keep reminding them, but because they actually care.

Always remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than think, and twice as beautiful as you’ve ever imagined.

       



et cetera