effortlessly perfect

{March 26, 2012}   Reasons not to eat…

*Disclaimer: No, this is not “thinspiration” or me promoting an eating disorder. I wouldn’t wish one on my worst enemy. But simply how I feel, honestly and truthfully feel, right now.

Reasons not to eat…

1. my stomach feels full and sticks out.

2. my face and hands feel puffy, like i’m a balloon.

3. i feel weak.

4. i feel like a failure.

5. it reminds me that i will never be skinny or reach my goal weight.

6. it is embarassing to need or want food.

7. i hate that people can see me eat. it’s so disgusting.

8. it’s a reminder that i will never eat normally.

9. i am always going to be a fat pig.

10. there is so much unhealthy crap in the food i eat. it makes me feel dirty.

11. it makes me want to go to sleep. physically tired.

12. it makes me want to go to sleep to avoid thinking about how crappy and weak i feel.

13. it makes my chest hurt from anxiety.

14. i don’t want anyone to see me after i eat.

15. i want to be called skinny, scrawny, or thin.

16. it makes me feel out of control.

17. i want to be hot. to be the girl that guys want to be with or look at.

18. i don’t want to be average.

19. i want to wear whatever i want. eating won’t let me do that.

20. it makes me hate my body.

Next time I’m tempted to eat, read this. You will regret it. Stay strong. I know you can do it.


When asked how I am doing by friends or doctors who know I have an eating disorder I often compare it life and “recovery” to a rollercoaster. Some days I’m positive, focused, and taking baby steps toward a healthier life. And other days I am headed speeding downhill on a rollercoaster ride with no breaks, no control, and heading no where good. Honestly, a lot of the time it’s not even so much day to day, but moment to moment. I can be in a good mood, enjoying the day and thinking things aren’t too bad, when a single comment, action, or thought can change it all for me.

It may be something as simple as eating more than I think I should have at lunch. Receiving a text from my husband or an email from a co-worker. Seeing a picture or ad of some hot woman that I instantly compare myself too. Or a random thought that reminds me of everything I’ve failed at in life.

It makes me feel stupid and naive when I end up feeling crappy about myself. How could I have let myself eat what I did? Or think life was ok? Think that I was even somewhat successful? How could I actually allow myself to be happy when I continue to fuck up my life as I do? 

I just got back to work after going out to lunch. I feel miserable. I want to purge so badly. I want to purge and then take a nap. Trying to forget how crappy I feel. I want to be anywhere but here right now. I want to be anyone but me right now. I need to get rid of this food. I need it out of my body. Why was I so stupid to think I would be ok eating lunch? I just need it out of my body. I feel dirty and huge and just need it to be gone. 

When will this rollercoaster end? Please. Make. It. Stop.

{March 20, 2012}   I just want to sleep.

I’m done. I’m so over this shitty life and all of the pain I feel. I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. I want to sleep forever. I want this to all go away. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I am not strong enough. I don’t have the energy. I just want it to stop.

I don’t understand why this is happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? Why can’t life just be ok?  I feel like I keep getting punched in the face. More crap to deal with. Less support. Less resources. More pain. More emotion. More tears. I just can’t do it anymore.

I am so mad. Angry. Pissed. Livid. Hurt. Scared. Tired. I want to yell, scream, cry. I want to say how much this hurts. How unfair it is. How I deserve better. I just want to be happy. I want to be loved. And feel safe. I want to be able to trust. Someone. Anyone.

But right now, I hurt. I want to curl up into a ball and die. At least then the pain would be gone. At least then I wouldn’t have to continue living this life. I don’t want to keep going. I can’t hang on anymore. Fuck baby steps. I’m done with progress and doctors and therapists and meal plans. I’m done trying. It doesn’t get me anywhere… just more pain.

My heart is beating a mile a minute… like it’s going to beat right out of my chest. I just want to sleep. Take deep breaths and make it all go away. I don’t want to wake up. I just want to sleep. Close my eyes. And drift away. Then at least the pain will be gone.

{March 14, 2012}   Brave Girls Club

If you haven’t ever heard of the Brave Girls Club, I would encourage you to check it out. I honestly don’t know how I stumbled across the website, but I’m so glad I did. I haven’t had much time to check out everything they have to offer, but did get a chance to sign up for their daily emails. Today’s hit home for me, so I thought I’d share it… I hope you enjoy!

What you do matters so much. How YOU live YOUR life matters so much. Please don’t live your life, dear friend, as if you do not have any choices….as if you are a slave to things that you wish did not even exist in your life….as if someone or something has all of the control….please don’t ever shove your gift of CHOICE under the carpet. You really do get to choose, and it really does matter HOW you choose.

Tough choices are often inevitable when big changes need to be made….tough choices are almost always the key to the lock that you feel is trapping you in…….and to unlock the door to the cage, tough choices have got to be made and committed to.

Dear sweet beautiful friend….making and sticking to tough choices is SO MUCH BETTER THAN STAYING STUCK IN YUCKY PLACES!!!!!!!! Remember that, ok? Please don’t choose to stay stuck. Your life is too important for auto-pilot, for giving-up and giving-in…..your life is too important to let someone else make the call day after day. This is YOUR ONE BEAUTIFUL LIFE…..YOURS. Live it big, live it authentically, live it beautifully, live it in freedom, love and tucked right inside of your own personal mission to accomplish every day as you are breathing in and out.

No more numb-living. Do the hard stuff….do whatever it takes. You are so very loved.

{March 12, 2012}   more ramblings…

My head hurts from all of the crap swirling around in my head. I need to get it out…

1. I am stressing a lot about money right now. It’s a little tighter than normal, but I’m freaking out about bills, payments, and money in general. Am I doing this to avoid worrying about other things?  Because money is concrete and somewhat controllable, and the other things I’m dealing with are not.

2. I feel gigantic. I am eating more than I’m used to, which totally sucks. My dietician is thrilled and I just want to cry. I feel fat and puffy and like I want to pull all of this fat off my body. I hate it.

3. I am struggling to not just build walls up again. It sucked to have my walls ripped down and start dealing with these emotions and issues. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Can’t I just crawl back into my old life? With masks and smiles to show everyone that I’m fine. I just don’t know how much longer I can actually be real.

4. I realized this weekend that I don’t feel ok being vulnerable with the closest people in my life. My parents, best friend, brother, etc. Why can I not let them see me broken?  I can’t cry in front of them. I have to be strong. I can’t seem weak. I don’t want to be a mess. I don’t want to lean on them. Count on them. Trust them.

5. I want to move out. Get a cute little loft apartment and start over. I’m actually contemplating doing that. Am I crazy?

6. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy.  Truly happy. I tend to get tired of things, but don’t know if that’s because I’m doing the wrong things or because of something inside of me. I am beginning to come to terms with not being perfect. But now how do I focus on just being happy?

7. I feel super messy, lazy and dumb. I don’t know how I got this way. I used to be extremely organized, driven, and intelligent. Wait, is this the real me? I’m really not ok with that!  I just don’t know how I got this way. I feel like I need to clean everything around me… my office, my house, my car.  I’m so disappointed in myself for becoming this way.

8. I wish there was a pill I could take instead of food. Not necessarily to lose weight (although that would be nice), but mostly so I didn’t have to think about food. It is exhausting to pick out food, eat, and deal with the crap that I experience afterward.  Just give me a pill. I’ll take it. And that will be that. Sounds simple enough to me.

Ok, I’m done rambling for now… more to come later. 🙂  Happy Monday!

R is for Recovery (and Rebekah)

Dear You,

If you have perhaps stumbled across this blog post out of the blue or because I posted it on Facebook and you felt the urge to click on the link – thanks a bunch. I’m glad you’re sitting there reading this.

Whether you have an eating disorder, are trying to recover, have recovered, are in the midst of an all out battle or don’t have an eating disorder whatsoever – this blog post is for you to read. To maybe learn something different, to be challenged. To be reminded of a few things that perhaps aren’t quite clear.

Anyway. I’m getting sidetracked. Here’s what I really wanted to say:

Some days, your eating disorder will win. As in, you won’t always beat it. As in, you won’t feel as if you have the capacity to. And that’s okay. So don’t beat yourself up about it. But don’t let…

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{March 11, 2012}  

May I find peace in this uncertain world.

“When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside – that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn’t do a damn thing to fix anything.”

-Chase Brooks

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{March 9, 2012}   Lists

As those who follow my posts somewhat regularly may already know, I have been feeling rather helpless and defeated lately.  It’s like I’m the lead in a movie about my life, but really have no say in it.  Or a choose-your-own-adventure book where every ending sucks.  I’m not normally such a pessimist, but my life throughout the past several months has brought me to this place.  To say that I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place is a huge understatement.

So, with huge decisions to make and not much energy or optimism left to make them, I decided that I would begin with baby steps.  Picking something small to work on that could help me move forward and create the life that I truly want.  Maybe it won’t get me anywhere.  But at least it will help me feel productive at something.  A small attempt to reclaim the life that I have let slip through my fingers for so many years.

My plan is to make lists… one my therapist seemed very gung-ho about.  I came up with four lists that I will be working on somewhat simulatenously.  The first list is derived from a comment my brother made to me last week.  We were talking about jobs and careers and I said that I really just want to find something that will make me happy.  He said that he was going through cards from his wedding the other day and in the place where guests were asked to write a piece of advice to the newlyweds, they had written “Imagine the life you want 10 years from now and then go create it.”  It hit home with me, making me realize that I do have a say in my life and that it doesn’t have to be perfect tomorrow.

So, list #1 is “What I want my life to be 10 years from now…”

My second list is something I have spent little time thinking or truly working on. I have been married for eight years, but our marriage has never been amazing.  We are struggling a lot right now and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to save our relationship. I want to dig deep into what I want and need out of a marriage and from my spouse.  Hopefully this will give me some insight into what we can work on and where some of our weaknesses are as a couple. It may also help me become more aware of where we are succeeding.

So, list #2 is “What I want and need from my marriage…”

Over the past two years I’ve become very aware that I have been living my life for other people…. what they want, what they need, what they think I should do.  But before I can start just doing what I want in life and truly creating a life that makes me happy, I have to figure out what exactly makes me happy.  I have spent so little time focusing on my likes, dislikes, desires, etc, that I don’t even know.  And it’s about time I start finding out.

So, list #3 is “About me…”

The concept for list number four is far from unqiue, as there are currently movies, website, and blogs on the topic. However, this may be the list that I am most excited about. Maybe because it makes me nervous or is outside my comfort zone. Maybe because it will become more than just a list… it will become experiences, memories, and life.  This final list is going to be a bucket list. It will give me something to live for on days when I’m not sure I want to. It will allow me to have things both small and big that will feed my soul and keep my heart going.  It will push me outside my comfort zone and make me take risks that I normally avoid. It will help me to become ok with being selfish… something I so desperately need.  It will truly help me become me. 

So, list #4 is “My bucket list…”

I am traveling for work this weekend, so I am looking forward to some down time to get started on my lists.  I plan to share my progress on my blog and would encourage you to join me in creating a list (or all four!) of your own if you’d like.  I hope and pray that I find this meaningful and helpful… and that you do as well!

{March 8, 2012}   A friendly reminder

A new start

Dear self.

I know you’re going to like to hear this even less than I like to say it. Non the less, it’s something that has to be said.

We’ve come through a lot together, we’ve had are ups and downs and as you well know it’s been more of a down than an up recently. But we’re getting through, and I’m proud of you.

However it seems you need a friendly reminder to fuel yourself properly. In short – eat. I know this is such a basic fact that you laugh a little to hear me say this, but please don’t brush it aside.

Food is brain fuel – you know this, yet you seem to be deliberatly “forgetting” to eat recently, pushing your meals later and later, settling for snacks and coffee instead of something truly nourishing. You can’t afford to do this! You have 3 big tests…

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{March 8, 2012}   Well, I never knew


I never knew that there was actually a meaning behind this. I always thought it was just some brilliant graphic design someone came up with. Well in fact it was, but there is much more to it. 

I advise you to watch this and find out where the “Keep calm & carry on” really came from.

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et cetera