effortlessly perfect











{October 30, 2012}   i think my body hates me

I am very aware that I have had issues with stress and anxiety in addition to my lovely eating disorder. However, I have normally been fairly good at ignoring those feelings and issues, so I could go on with life.  Don’t get me wrong, they have definitely been an issue for me and have been slowly eating away at me.  But when I needed to step up and handle something I could.  They haven’t really gotten in the way of my job or day to day responsibilities… or at least in a way that I couldn’t recover from or work around.

However, I think that my body is starting to hate me. I think my body is trying to tell me that it is not a fan of my thick exterior mask that I’ve been putting up for so long, while my body and soul are being damaged and neglected. You see, I woke up yesterday and I thought my body was giving up on me. I will spare you all of the details, but after hours of vomiting and going in and out of consciousness, I found myself unable to lift my arms and too weak to stand on my own. Luckily I was able to sleep a little and eventually keep some gatorade down, which helped with the dehydration and weakness in my arms and legs.

To be honest, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. But I guess I don’t really understand how stress and exhaustion can do something that intense to my body. I mean, really?  I don’t think I’m that stressed. There are people who have it much worse that me and don’t react like this. However, laying on the bathroom floor, wondering when I was going to pass out next, it was hard to deny that something was wrong.

Luckily, I woke up this morning feeling better. I am beyond achy from the vomiting and probably from sleeping on the bathroom floor all day yesterday. I am back at work, because I have to be. But still rattled by the events of the past 36 hours. I think the sickest thing about all of it is how happy I was when I weighed myself this morning. Down eight pounds from Sunday… mostly water weight I’m sure, but it’s still progress!

You know, part of me wonders if this will be a never-ending battle between my body and I. Or if someday my body will win.



{October 30, 2012}   Obsession

Drop Dead Gorgeous

I worry that I’m going to die from this. I’m obsessed with being thin. I don’t feel acceptable unless I’m thin. It’s like there isn’t anything else that would be acceptable for me. I know it’s a double standard. I look at other people who aren’t “perfectly thin” and don’t think that they’re unacceptable for it. If anything, I see the freedom they have and wish that I shared it. But I feel like I’m trapped. Like the only thing that’s okay for me is to be a paradigm of skinny.

I might just be getting super triggered by one of the other girls here. She’s noticeably skinnier than I am, and it’s irking the hell out of me. Because my eating disorder wants me to be the skinniest one here. Because then I’m okay.

I feel like even if I don’t lose uber a lot of weight to be…

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{October 30, 2012}  


{October 30, 2012}   Stop Trying to Fix Me

tom.basson

Stop trying to fix this. Stop trying to fix me. Please.

I’m in pain. I’m hurting. I’ve messed things up.

I’ve heard all your “answers” before – your well-meaning advice. And I agree with you. I acknowledge the truth. Yes, I know I’ll get through this. Yes, I know it is making me stronger, and Yes, I know God is with me.

But it still hurts.

You see, smart answers and good theology and wise practical instruction are rarely helpful in the midst of suffering.  What I need – what I really need – is for you just to listen. To be with me in my pain without trying to fix it, or go around it, or smooth it over. To have the courage  to sit with me when there is nothing to say, and say nothing.

For sure, a healthy perspective on pain and a good theology of suffering can certainly…

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{October 30, 2012}  

tom.basson

Stop trying to fix this. Stop trying to fix me. Please.

I’m in pain. I’m hurting. I’ve messed things up.

I’ve heard all your “answers” before – your well-meaning advice. And I agree with you. I acknowledge the truth. Yes, I know I’ll get through this. Yes, I know it is making me stronger, and Yes, I know God is with me.

But it still hurts.

You see, smart answers and good theology and wise practical instruction are rarely helpful in the midst of suffering.  What I need – what I really need – is for you just to listen. To be with me in my pain without trying to fix it, or go around it, or smooth it over. To have the courage  to sit with me when there is nothing to say, and say nothing.

For sure, a healthy perspective on pain and a good theology of suffering can certainly…

View original post 70 more words



{October 30, 2012}  

pure devotion

Mark 11:22-24 (NLT)

Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God.I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.

 

What are you waiting for the Lord to do in your life today? Do you have faith in God? Do you have doubt in your heart? Do you believe it? The Power of the Church lies in a faith so convinced of God’s Love and Faithfulness that it expects God to move mountains, heal bodies and deliver souls every single day. Miracles are oddities of this planet but a regular occurrence in God’s Kingdom. The Word…

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{October 28, 2012}  


{October 28, 2012}  


{October 28, 2012}  


{October 28, 2012}  


et cetera