effortlessly perfect

{November 18, 2012}   Tired

Sometimes I just want to be done. Done thinking, doing, wishing, fearing, feeling. Sometimes I just want it all to stop.


{October 30, 2012}   i think my body hates me

I am very aware that I have had issues with stress and anxiety in addition to my lovely eating disorder. However, I have normally been fairly good at ignoring those feelings and issues, so I could go on with life.  Don’t get me wrong, they have definitely been an issue for me and have been slowly eating away at me.  But when I needed to step up and handle something I could.  They haven’t really gotten in the way of my job or day to day responsibilities… or at least in a way that I couldn’t recover from or work around.

However, I think that my body is starting to hate me. I think my body is trying to tell me that it is not a fan of my thick exterior mask that I’ve been putting up for so long, while my body and soul are being damaged and neglected. You see, I woke up yesterday and I thought my body was giving up on me. I will spare you all of the details, but after hours of vomiting and going in and out of consciousness, I found myself unable to lift my arms and too weak to stand on my own. Luckily I was able to sleep a little and eventually keep some gatorade down, which helped with the dehydration and weakness in my arms and legs.

To be honest, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. But I guess I don’t really understand how stress and exhaustion can do something that intense to my body. I mean, really?  I don’t think I’m that stressed. There are people who have it much worse that me and don’t react like this. However, laying on the bathroom floor, wondering when I was going to pass out next, it was hard to deny that something was wrong.

Luckily, I woke up this morning feeling better. I am beyond achy from the vomiting and probably from sleeping on the bathroom floor all day yesterday. I am back at work, because I have to be. But still rattled by the events of the past 36 hours. I think the sickest thing about all of it is how happy I was when I weighed myself this morning. Down eight pounds from Sunday… mostly water weight I’m sure, but it’s still progress!

You know, part of me wonders if this will be a never-ending battle between my body and I. Or if someday my body will win.

{September 6, 2012}   the truth

The truth is…

  • my smile hides a constant frown
  • my confidence masks self-doubt and an intense fear of failure
  • thoughts of weight and appearance are never-ending
  • i try to create the illusion of perfection, to distract myself (and everyone else) from the chaos that is my reality
  • most people would think of me as innocent, polite, and well behaved, but i have secrets that are eating me alive inside
  • i have a headache every day that never goes away. i have taken so many painkillers for it that i’ve eroded the lining of my stomach
  • i believe that life would be so much better if i were skinny
  • i have many friends, but don’t feel as though i can be honest or truly myself with any of them
  • i fake strength, but truly believe i am weak
  • i am becoming quieter and quieter, often times preferring to be alone
  • sometimes i wonder how much pain i can actually take before i give up
  • i hate crying and try to never let anyone see me cry
  • i pretend to have my shit together, when i really feel as though everything is falling apart inside
  • i question everything i say and do, but try not to show that to anyone
  • i live my life by the “shoulds”
  • i don’t believe i’ll become much of anything in life, failing to reach my potential, whatever that means
  • i worry about everything. constantly
  • i wonder if i will ever let anyone truly see the real me. i’m not sure they could handle it. or i could handle thinking about what they think of me.












{August 27, 2012}   This might hurt a little

You know those times when you feel like you are standing at the edge of a cliff and are just staring out in front of you. The bright blue sky ahead of you, with the never ending fall below you. Butterflies fill your stomach and you take deep breaths to quiet your rapid heartbeat. You feel as though you might be better off just standing at the edge of the cliff for a while. Or forever. But you can’t. No matter how much you want to or pretend as if it is for the best, you can’t just stand there anymore.

You have to leap. Forward. Into the unknown. You may fall. A lot. You may float or soar. You may hit a bump or two on your way down… Or up. You really have no way of knowing what is ahead. The only thing you know for sure is that you can’t stay where you are.

So you take that last deep breath, close your eyes, and take the step.

I was chatting with my doctor last week and we were talking about how much I turn to unhealthy behaviors to calm my emotions, distract myself, make myself feel better, soothe my anxiety, etc. She asked me if the behaviors actually made me feel better or served their purpose, and if they did, for how long? She encouraged me to make a list of other things that I could turn to when I would normally turn to these unhealthy behaviors. I’m very good at trading one unhealthy behavior for another, but struggle with finding healthy options to serve these same needs.

I would love, love, love to hear your thoughts on this and any suggestions you might have for what might help or could go on my list!  Do you have similar issues?  What has or hasn’t worked for you?  No suggestion is too big, small, silly, serious, expensive, or frivilous! 🙂

{July 20, 2012}   What I want

I sat down at my computer this morning, with so much to say. Thoughts, words, feelings. But as I begin to type, I’m finding it almost impossible to put in to words… especially into anything eloquent or profound. Maybe I shouldn’t care if any of it makes sense or comes across well to anyone. Maybe I shouldn’t care if all of the ramblings in my head turn out to seem like one thought when I start to write. I started this blog for myself and as a way to get my thoughts and feelings out, since I am so good at keeping them bottled inside. However, I get stuck on thinking about how my words will be perceived or what other people will think. I guess that may be something I just need to get over. Add it to the list. 🙂

So, here’s what I’m really feeling. I want to be thin. (I know that’s nothing shockingly new.) I want to stop eating. Lose weight. Be skinny. Be beautiful. Have a body that I’m proud of and want to show off. I’m tired of being fat. Feeling self-conscious about how I look. How my clothes fit. What size I’m wearing. What people are thinking about me.

I want to be called scrawny. To wear a size 2. I want guys to check out my ass when I walk by. Flirt with me. Smile at me. Regardless of the chaotic mess that is going on inside, I want my outside to be gorgeous. I want to walk in to any store and have everything fit. And if I don’t want to buy it, it’s because it’s not my style, not because it doesn’t fit right on my body. Or that I look fat in it.

I want to stop being afraid to eat in front of people. I hate ordering food because I’m worried about what people will think. A fat girl ordering something other than a salad. She doesn’t need anymore food for that huge body of hers. She needs to eat lettuce and grapefruit until she loses weight. Look at her fat, lazy ass ordering something with carbs or sugar. That’s how she got this way. Gross.

I want to look good even when I’m not trying to look good. Throw my hair in a ponytail, no makeup, yoga pants and a tank top. I want white teeth. Gorgeous hair. Beautiful skin. A hot ass and long, smooth legs. I don’t want to have to agonize over what I am wearing. How I am sitting. If I look fat to the people I’m sitting with. I want to be able to throw anything on and look great. Because I look skinny. And anything looks good on skinny.

I want to be so pretty and thin that I don’t cringe when guys make comments about other women or celebrities, because I am just as thin or hot as they are. I want to do something about how horrible I feel when I hear comments about other women. If it bothers me that much than I should do something about it. There is no reason I can’t be thin or hot. Other than that I’m lazy and won’t make it a priority.

Well, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of feeling disgusting. I’m tired of feeling like a whale. Or that guys like my personality, but only tolerate my body. There is no reason that I can’t be that girl that guys talk about. That turns heads when she walks in a room. I watch guys look women up and down as they walk by. Check out their ass. Make comments about how hot someone is. I want that to be me. There is no reason it can’t be. If I just make it happen. I need to make it happen.

{December 5, 2011}   pain

Just when I thought things were about as bad as they could be, they get worse. And the crazy part is, I know I’m far from hitting rock bottom. I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I make crappy choices, knowing that I should be doing something different. The few people who actually know the details encourage me to stop. I know I am fixated on numbing the pain, in whatever way I can find. I know it’s not good. I know it won’t end well. I know that I don’t even know how bad it could get. But yet, my one foot in front of the other is nothing but slow steps to a place I shouldn’t go. A place that I don’t want to end up and that is far from healthy.

But as I type I’m sitting on the couch full of rage. I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, and in so much pain. I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings. I want them to go away. I need something to make me feel better. I need something to make these feelings go away. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be me. I need a different life. I need to get out. It’s way too painful and I feel stuck. There isn’t a way out that doesn’t hurt. That doesn’t bring an incredible amount of pain. Pain that I can’t handle. Pain that I need to avoid.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to sleep forever. I want this to be over. Make it stop. Get me out of this. I can’t handle the pain. The shame. The guilt. The feelings of worthlessness. The feelings that I am not and will never actually be loved. I want these feelings to stop. I need them to go away. I can feel the rage and pain making my skin crawl. As if my blood is pumping harder than it ever has. I want to pull my skin off. I want to hit something. Scream. Throw something. Anything. My head is pounding. My eyes hurt. My muscles are tight. Back aching. It’s amazing how feelings and emotions can hurt so physically too. I just need a break. From myself. From this life. I just need a break. I need this to stop. 

{November 18, 2011}   question of the day – 11.18.11

What are your thoughts on addiction transfer?  Do you believe it is a valid concern for addiction recovery?  For those with experience with eating disorders, do you think it relates?  Thoughts or experiences on ways to avoid or prevent it?  Or is it “once an addict, always an addict?”

Please share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences below…

{November 11, 2011}   more random thoughts…

I realized yesterday that it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’m finding it harder and harder to actually put thoughts together that make sense. I don’t know if I’m avoiding those thoughts or struggling with concentration or being super perfectionistic and not finding anything I want to write about “good enough.”  But for whatever reason, the words just aren’t coming. So, instead of a real post, today I have just more random thoughts…

1. Why are things so easy some days and ridiculously difficult on other days? I’m tired of the rollercoaster.

2. I knew that my eating disorder wasn’t healthy and could lead to medical issues. I always thought that I’d be motivated to stop the behaviors when those medical issues arose. I guess not.

3. Every day that passes makes me realize that this eating disorder is truly an addiction… a way to cope, control and distract myself.  It is fascinating to become aware of how and why I use the eating disorder behaviors. The psychology nerd in me thinks it’s really cool to see how it all plays out, even if I’m my own guinea pig.

4. I wonder what it is going to take for me to actually get better. I’m not really sure I’m in to recovery right now… actually, I’m pretty sure I’m not. But I do wonder what the final straw will be for me. What will make me want to give this up?

5. Even on my crappiest day I know I’ve made progress. Even on days when I cling to my disordered eating, I know that I’m a healthier person. I speak up for myself more. I have taken more of my life back. And I know that deep inside, there is a little piece of me that believes I should be happy. It’s that progress that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.

6. I am finding myself with this overwhelming urge to run, escape, flee, and otherwise get the hell out of dodge. I want to move… sometimes across town, sometimes to Seattle. I want to quit my job… sometimes to start my own business, sometimes to be a stay at home mom, sometimes to go back to school and become a lawyer. I want to do something I’ve never done before… get a tattoo, go horseback riding, take a hot air balloon ride, go skydiving, take a pole dancing exercise class, learn how to shoot a gun. I want to travel… to Italy, Alaska, a beautiful ranch in Arizona, a log cabin in Maine, New York City… be anywhere but here.

{October 25, 2011}   If you really knew me…

If you really knew me…

  • you’d know that I am afraid of losing this battle.
  • you’d know that I am afraid it will become too much for me and that I will just give up.
  • you’d know that I am just now figuring out who I am or that I am someone independant of who I “should” be.
  • you’d know that I smile all the time because I see emotions as weakness.
  • you’d know that sometimes I just want you to listen… not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like you care.
  • you’d know that I’m scared that you will leave me.
  • you’d know that sometimes the weight of my sadness is too much for me to handle, like I’m drowning and can’t keep my head above water.
  • you’d know that at any point in the day, I know exactly how many calories I’ve eaten.
  • you’d know that I choose to hurt myself because it hurts less than having to feel anything else.
  • you’d know that there are so many things I wish I could say.
  • you’d know that your words and actions hurt me even though they weren’t meant to.
  • you’d know that I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I’ll feel when you finally let me go.
  • you’d know that I am so incredibly mean to myself.
  • you’d know that I look at the nutritional information of every restaurant menu before I go there with you.
  • you’d know that I really just want to be happy and content.
  • you’d know that I sometimes need your help, but I’m not sure how to tell you this.
  • you’d know that I really do care about you.
  • you’d know that I cry when no one is around.
  • you’d know that I hold back from recovering because I hang on to my eating disorder as an excuse to not chase after my real goals or truly live life.
  • you’d know that I don’t like my eating disorder. I just am having a hard time disliking it right now.
  • you’d know that I feel too ashamed, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I can’t cope without hurting myself.
  • you’d know that I can’t see myself as anything but fat and ugly.
  • you’d know that I weigh myself constantly.
  • you’d know that I’m afraid to truly know myself and understand my feelings and wishes.
  • you’d know that as I’m smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head.
  • you’d know that my family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit.
  • you’d know that I believe that everyone’s flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine.
  • you’d know that I’m always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and ED is ALWAYS screaming at me about something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head.
  • you’d know that I’d love to escape to somewhere by the ocean, to eat, drink, dance, and sleep without a care in the world.
  • you’d know that I regret not being more committed during treatment. I didn’t make the progress I could have and I hate myself for that.
  • you’d know that I feel guilty about all the pain I feel.
  • you’d know that I hate feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it.
  • you’d know that I am very sensitive, although I attempt to be seen by others as strong.
  • you’d know that what you said hurts.
  • you’d know that I am crying for help, but can’t find the words.
  • you’d know that no one could berate me more than I do myself.
  • you’d know that I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of.
  • you’d know that without this mask I don’t really know who I am.
  • you’d know that I struggle to be trusting of anyone.
  • you’d know that my eating disorder is the only constant in my life, the only thing which feels unchanging regardless of what is going on around me. It is the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that comes my way.
  • you’d know that the bigger my smile, the bigger my pain.
  • you’d know that I use my body to convey what my words cannot.
  • you’d know that I always feel like a burden, but usually try to hide it.
  • you’d know that I don’t want you to give up on me. I need you to believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself.
  • you’d know that I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won’t even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something that is ok to be mad about.
  • you’d know that I am constantly searching for something that will make my parents proud of me.
  • you’d know that sometimes I cancel plans with you because I feel fat or don’t want to be seen.
  • you’d know that I am scared shitless because I don’t know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction.
  • you’d know that I am trying to hold tight to my faith and stay strong in my relationship with God.  It is often harder than I would like to admit.
  • you’d know that I have an immense amount of guilt over my actions and eating disorder.  This prevents me from telling you about them, as I don’t want you to shoulder my pain or know my secret for what it is.
  • you’d know that I am afraid that I could achieve wonderful things in life. But I have never let myself try, because I am afraid of failing miserably.
  • you’d know that I’m scared that this will kill me.

et cetera