effortlessly perfect

{January 17, 2013}  

{January 17, 2013}   why

why wasn’t i good enough for you?  what did i do that made you not want to be around? to cast me aside and leave me there to wonder?  to know that i’m not enough for you. leaving me feeling flawed, broken, and worthless.

do you know what that did to me? what it still does?  the hole that it creates. a hole that nothing can fill. constantly wondering what i could do to gain your approval. to be good enough for you. to be enough.

it’s not a temporary pain. at least for me, it still remains. what could i have done to make you love me? why wasn’t i enough?

{January 17, 2013}   pain

i really don’t have anything profound to say, even though the pain in my chest and head is excruciating. part of me just wants to fill the screen with profanities. everything hurts so bad that it’s hard for me to even put together complete sentences or a coherent thought. i’m just over all of this. i want the pain to go away. i want to stop hurting. i want my head to stop spinning. i’m tired. i hurt. i can’t even get myself to cry, so it’s just bottled up inside of me. i want to scream. i want to hit something. i want to let it out. but i can’t. 

i never knew something could hurt this badly. i just want the pain to stop. someone, something, just make it stop. i hate feeling like this. i seem dramatic to myself, which just makes everything worse. i keep trying to tell myself to get my shit together. to stop with the emotion and drama and just be normal. seriously. just get your shit together and the pain may go away. 

i’m pretty sure i know it won’t go away, but at least then my life won’t seem like chaos too. i seriously don’t know what to do. what to do with myself. what to do with this pain. i hurt. my heart is screaming. my head is throbbing. my eyes are burning with unshed tears. i waffle from anger to agony. from frustration to hopelessness. 

at some point maybe i will begin to realize that nothing is going to change. this is my life and i just need to get used to it. maybe the pain will become normal to me. maybe i’ll become numb to it. i can only hope. 

et cetera