effortlessly perfect

{August 27, 2012}   Buckets of tears

A couple years ago, a friend of mine said that she remembers thinking that she’d never stop crying when her father died. That she would just sit on her bed with a box of tissues and cry forever. Although my situation is different and thankfully doesn’t include a death, I am beginning to feel at least a little bit like my friend did with the never-ending tears.

It’s like a flood gate opened. And I can’t get it closed. It’s as if all of the thoughts and feelings that I have held inside all of these years are now pouring out of me. I’m sad, angry, disappointed, hurt, relieved… a balled into one overflowing bucket of tears.

This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. It hurts. And I’m ready for it to stop.


Nataly says:

I cannot guarantee it will “stop”…but I can say it will become easier to tolerate! πŸ™‚ The feeling, once it starts, doesn’t go away. But they reduce in intensity as you learn to sit with them, safe in the knowledge (gained through experience) that feeling by itself won’t kill you. Hurt, yes. But. By learning to identify each individual feeling and the causation behind them is powerful. It allows you to express your true self and to stop denying your own needs, leading to better self-care. All of this is a good thing. The feelings won’t stop, but you can learn to make use of them, to empower you and to make life better. *That* can happen πŸ™‚ even if the feelings don’t stop. Try not to avoid them, because this only prolongs them! Thinking of you. xo.

Thank you for the post! It was great information and something I have thought a lot about. I am pretty crappy at just sitting in my feelings right now. It’s amazing to me how painful I can make something for myself… even something that wouldn’t have bothered me in the past. It’s hard for me to figure out what my true needs really are, since I feel so crazy right now… overly emotional and dramatic. I just want to get back in bed and go to sleep to avoid feeling anything. I am trying to just take things one day at a time, which is all I can do I guess. Thanks for the encouragement and support. I appreciate it.

Nataly says:

I think that sometimes we swing from one end of the emotional spectrum (i.e. not having ANY) to the other…feeling too much, thinking too much, crying too much. This, also, is not “natural”. The longer we stick with it…the more we are likely to balance out to somewhere in the middle. I don’t think that being *this* emotional is your normal state but it’s where you are now because you’ve held everything in for so long. It’s going to take a while to untangle them all and work out which feeling applies to what situation…and once you do, the intensity diminishes. As you start to understand your emotions and the purpose they serve, it becomes easier to “feel” them and to make sense of what they are subtly telling us. It is a good thing. Even when it doesn’t feel that way. Keep taking it one day at a time…it’s all we can do. It’s not as if we can take it two days at a time πŸ˜‰ Thinking of you. xo.

I could not cry when I had my eating disorder. But I sure could once healing began and then they leveled off so that I welcome them now; because, for me, it is a good thing. Here’s hoping that tears can one day be a good thing for you too. I don’t know if this makes sense but it was my own personal reality? Maybe this floodgate of tears is a good sign?
~ Wendy

When I was in the depths of my eating disorder I couldn’t cry either. It’s as if I had no emotions… I loved it! I felt as if I could take on the world. A sick sense of strength I guess. But now I’m a crying, weak mess. Have no energy, constantly crying or emotional, needy. I hate it. If this is my true personality I don’t want it! I can probably step back from this stuff momentarily and see how the emotions aren’t entirely bad, but I really need the floodgate to close at least a little. It’s making life pretty hard to live right now.

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