effortlessly perfect

{July 20, 2012}   What I want

I sat down at my computer this morning, with so much to say. Thoughts, words, feelings. But as I begin to type, I’m finding it almost impossible to put in to words… especially into anything eloquent or profound. Maybe I shouldn’t care if any of it makes sense or comes across well to anyone. Maybe I shouldn’t care if all of the ramblings in my head turn out to seem like one thought when I start to write. I started this blog for myself and as a way to get my thoughts and feelings out, since I am so good at keeping them bottled inside. However, I get stuck on thinking about how my words will be perceived or what other people will think. I guess that may be something I just need to get over. Add it to the list. 🙂

So, here’s what I’m really feeling. I want to be thin. (I know that’s nothing shockingly new.) I want to stop eating. Lose weight. Be skinny. Be beautiful. Have a body that I’m proud of and want to show off. I’m tired of being fat. Feeling self-conscious about how I look. How my clothes fit. What size I’m wearing. What people are thinking about me.

I want to be called scrawny. To wear a size 2. I want guys to check out my ass when I walk by. Flirt with me. Smile at me. Regardless of the chaotic mess that is going on inside, I want my outside to be gorgeous. I want to walk in to any store and have everything fit. And if I don’t want to buy it, it’s because it’s not my style, not because it doesn’t fit right on my body. Or that I look fat in it.

I want to stop being afraid to eat in front of people. I hate ordering food because I’m worried about what people will think. A fat girl ordering something other than a salad. She doesn’t need anymore food for that huge body of hers. She needs to eat lettuce and grapefruit until she loses weight. Look at her fat, lazy ass ordering something with carbs or sugar. That’s how she got this way. Gross.

I want to look good even when I’m not trying to look good. Throw my hair in a ponytail, no makeup, yoga pants and a tank top. I want white teeth. Gorgeous hair. Beautiful skin. A hot ass and long, smooth legs. I don’t want to have to agonize over what I am wearing. How I am sitting. If I look fat to the people I’m sitting with. I want to be able to throw anything on and look great. Because I look skinny. And anything looks good on skinny.

I want to be so pretty and thin that I don’t cringe when guys make comments about other women or celebrities, because I am just as thin or hot as they are. I want to do something about how horrible I feel when I hear comments about other women. If it bothers me that much than I should do something about it. There is no reason I can’t be thin or hot. Other than that I’m lazy and won’t make it a priority.

Well, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of feeling disgusting. I’m tired of feeling like a whale. Or that guys like my personality, but only tolerate my body. There is no reason that I can’t be that girl that guys talk about. That turns heads when she walks in a room. I watch guys look women up and down as they walk by. Check out their ass. Make comments about how hot someone is. I want that to be me. There is no reason it can’t be. If I just make it happen. I need to make it happen.


finallyamanda says:

Did I write this blog? Seriously girl u r not alone, I feel the exact same way! We will beat this, eventually. It’s no way 2 live 😦

Thanks for the comment! It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this, but I feel for you too. It’s such a consuming desire and “need” that not achieving it becomes so painful. Best of luck in your journey. I’ll be thinking of you.

Nataly says:

Does your husband have the same aspirations for you? Have you ever talked with him about it?

My husband says he just wants me to be happy, but his actions and comments don’t really mirror that. He says he wants me to be happier in my job, but then focuses on me making more money… even though I’m already the breadwinner. When I was really struggling with restricting my food, he continued to make comments about how skinny I looked or pretty I was at the lighter weight. He’s hard to talk to and even harder to figure out. 😦

ShadowLight says:

if only thinness = beauty, happiness, etc… would all be simple then wouldn’t it? Personally I found that the thinner I got the less people thought I was attractive, in fact at one point when I was at my lowest weight I was told that I looked “disgusting” :/
I think best thing to do is try not to think about how you look to others, don’t try to be thin for them, and defently don’t make yourself ill because you think others want that.

As it says above, this is no way to live, these thoughts should not engulf our existence, there is more to life than weight, food, and appearance, as our minds want us to believe

I hate that those words sound like they came out of my head when I was so sick. I worked hard and when I was in a partial hospitalization program, I wasn’t happy. I thought getting to that low weight would do it, but it doesn’t. It’s never enough. The bar changes and it has to go lower. Soon, size 2 won’t be enough, nor will size 0. Now, I continue to say those words, but I can at least follow them up with, “I know I won’t be any happier when I lose the weight. I wasn’t happier when I was sick, so I won’t be happier this time around.” The weight loss won’t take away the other stress in life, it just distracts you from it. You can beat this! 🙂 It’s not easy, but you can do it! 🙂

I’m glad to hear you are doing better. That’s a great accomplishment. I feel like I’m slipping deeper most days. Never being happy with anything anymore. I’m still very much in the mindset that being a size 0 will make me happier, regardless of how many people tell me otherwise. 😦

littleneely says:

There’s so many of us who feel like this, but truth be told, we will never be thin enough to satisfy our need. We have a greed to not need, but we do need, we do need carbs and sugars and other food.

Sending love, xx

It is nice to know I am not alone in these desires. But sad to know that others are going through the same crap that I am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I love your comment that “we have a greed to not need.” It’s so true. I hate that we need to eat. Need to sleep. Need emotions. And need each other. I want to have no needs. It would be easier that way. Thanks for the comment. Best of luck to you.

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