effortlessly perfect











{December 21, 2011}   These are a few of my favorite things…

Fairly soon after I started going to therapy for my eating disorder I realized that I hadn’t ever really taken the time to figure myself out…. what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I wanted in life, and who I really was.  I had been molded from a very young age into this perfect little girl and had adopted the characteristics and goals that those around me expected/wanted me to have.  I never really realized it until I started talking to my therapist and a couple girls in group therapy about myself.  I couldn’t tell them my favorite color, food, book, music… and I couldn’t tell them what I wanted in life or what I hated. I had never taken the time to figure it out or truly listen to what I wanted in life.

So, as I sit here this morning, exhausted from a crazy night and way too many ED thoughts swirling in my head, it is my hope to take a few minutes out and simply write about a few of my favorite things…

– gerber daisies… i love them and instantly smile when i see them. they are so bright and colorful, and just make me think happy thoughts.

– a down comforter… there is something about sinking into a bed with fluffy pillows and nestling into a down comforter that is like heaven to me. it’s like sleeping in a cloud, so safe and peaceful.

– strawberries… i have loved them ever since i was little. bright, sweet, and fun to eat. i had a strawberry shortcake doll when i was little that you could squeeze and she’d blow strawberry kisses. makes me smile.

– the smell of coconut… it’s always so tropical smelling and instantly makes me think of beaches, the ocean, and a calm relaxing life. sleeping in a hammock in the soft breeze or playing in the clear, blue ocean.

– water… i am fascinated by it. lakes, rivers, the ocean, pools… it really doesn’t matter what type of water it is. i love watching it, being in it, going out on it. i’ve always wanted to live near water… either on a house by the beach, a cabin on a lake, or someplace with a pool in the backyard. it’s like the world melts away when you are in the water.

– laughing… this is a new one for me. i honestly don’t remember laughing that much when i was growing up. i was so focused on staying “in control” or acting as i should, that truly letting go and laughing seemed a little crazy. i know, it sounds crazy, but it’s true. just last night i was out with some friends and seriously laughed until i had tears streaming down my face. one of those laughs when your abs hurt and you can’t catch your breath.  it was wonderful. it made me feel so alive.  that may sound dramatic, but when you have spent so long not letting yourself be truly happy, sometimes the little stuff helps bring your light flickering back on.

– having my nails painted… not necessarily the act of having them painted, although i never mind a good manicure or pedicure, but i love, love, love having bright polish on my toes and a french manicure on  my fingernails. it seems sexy or feminine or confident, all of which i’ve been hesitant to be in the past, so i love it now. it also used to seem wasteful and selfish to me, so now i save it as one of my guilty pleasures. 🙂

– movies that make me think… i could honestly do without 97% of the movies out there, but there are a few that i just love. i watch them and feel inspired. like i can do anything. live my life however i want and love every minute of it. they just fill me with life. to name just a few of my favorites… Life is Beautiful, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, The Social Network, and Eat Pray Love. If you haven’t seen them yet, you should!

So, that’s probably enough of my favorites for now. I’m hoping to add to this list as I continue to figure things out. Feel free to share your favorites or just simple things that make you happy. I’m sure all of us could use a little moment of happiness in our crazy lives. 🙂

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Mike Fisk says:

Cloudy, rainy days (when I can escape to some warm place to read and write);
Walking in the woods and smelling the different aromas of each season;
Watching the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of a child;
(just a few more)
Thanks for reminding us to think on the positive!!
Mike



The positive is rarely a focus for me, but I have definitely been more aware of the moments that light up my soul and make me smile. Growing up I was programmed to avoid/ignore negative emotions and feelings, but positive feelings weren’t really accepted either. Being happy, excited or proud were seen to be bad too… selfish, egotistical, and weak. So, while letting me feel the negative emotions has been a painful experience for me recently, finally allowing myself to feel the positive emotions has been kind of nice. 🙂



Rubyrosa says:

I loved reading this – you struck a chord with me … that happened to me too – in one of my early therapy sessions, my psychologist asked me “what needs of yours were met by your relationship?” … I had no answer .. then she asked me “what are your needs?” – again I was blank – I realised I didn’t even know what they were, I had never thought about it.



Yes, I actually have some anger and shame about not ever thinking about myself, my needs, and who I truly am. How did I get this far in life and ignore the real me? How did the people in my life not notice or see what was happening? At times I think they didn’t care enough to notice or do anything about it? Or maybe I was just really good at hiding it. I am enjoying figuring out more about me, but am haunted by the fact that I’m 31 and just now doing it. Have you made any progress in acknowledging your needs? Has there been anything that has been helpful in this journey?



Nearly Normal says:

The smell of rain, a freshly starched white shirt, the feeling of accomplishment, home made chicken soup with big fat noodles, hot cocoa and buttered toast, old classic movies on a cold rainy day, Chinese Orchid trees in bloom, the sound of giggling from my children.



Rain and children laughing! Love those! Warms my soul! 🙂 Thanks for sharing.



pharphelonus says:

the smell of almonds in the oven. that moment when you look in someone’s eyes and, without words, you both know that you will never let each other down. Merry Christmas



Thanks for the comment! Merry Christmas to you too! Hope 2012 is a wonderful year for you!



This was the hardest part for me to figure out too! Great post! I’m glad you are discovering who you are…. Because she sounds like a pretty awesome person 😉



Thanks! There is definitely a piece of me who enjoys figuring out who I am. It is scary and empowering at the same time. I’m hoping 2012 is a good year for finding the real me and letting her finally be happy. 🙂



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