On my mind…

Too tired this morning to pull together an actual post, but wanted to share a few things that are on my mind… I’ll warn you in advance, they are pretty random…

1. I think I’m having an “emotion hangover.” After crying for what seemed like forever yesterday, I feel like I have a legit hangover… headache, tired, dry eyes, dehydrated, no focus, just want to sleep. It’s amazing to me how letting yourself have feelings and drinking a pitcher of margaritas can make you feel the same way the next day.

2. My therapist said something the other day that really hit me hard. He said that while I value my performance and appearance, I don’t value myself. That I don’t really care about my true self or the person that I am. On one hand it seemed like a no-brainer, while on the other hand it seemed really harsh. Not that he said it, but that it was true.

3. Why is it that I treat myself so badly and in ways that I would NEVER even consider treating other people? I say things to myself that I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. And I do things to myself that I couldn’t imagine even thinking about doing to others. Why is it that I will give others all of the love, compassion, and understanding that we all deserve… but can’t give myself permission to be anything less than strong and flawless?

4. It’s amazing to me how our minds work. It’s as if we will notice, believe, remember and process things in ways that support what we want. I don’t want to hurt or feel emotions, so I minimize them, hide them, suppress them, or excuse them away. I wanted my family and childhood to be perfect, so I altered experiences in my head to make it seem like it was. I’m imagining it was a type of self-preservation or coping mechanism for me… and probably still is. The crappy part is that eventually, to truly heal, that band-aid has to be ripped off. And that’s gonna hurt like hell.

5. Never underestimate the impact you can have on someone else. I think we are often times hesitant to get involved, because we don’t want to offend people, get too close, or step on people’s toes. However, I’m starting to realize that most people are just as broken and hurt as everyone else. Could you imagine what our world would be like if we didn’t have to think twice about giving (and receiving) hugs, cards, messages, love, and true emotion?

6. Have you ever thought about your own funeral? What it would be like? Who would come? What you’d want said? What music you’d want played? How you’d want to me remembered?  Do you think you get to see your own funeral from heaven?