effortlessly perfect

{October 5, 2011}   dinner

the chaos from my head during dinner last night…

So, I’m sitting at dinner, hungry from not eating all day. Stomach growling, head pounding, shoulders aching. I want to eat. I need to eat. But I can’t. I won’t. Everyone else orders food. I order a diet coke. I can’t eat. I can’t hate myself tonight. I want to feel strong. I need to feel strong.

I pick up my cell phone and google thinspo. I know better. I know I shouldn’t. I know this isn’t good for me. But I need strength. A reminder that I shouldn’t eat. That I need to lose weight. That I need to be thinner, better, stronger.

My phone fills up with pictures of thin, beautiful women. Long legs, thin arms, flat stomachs. Legs, arms, and stomachs that I so desperately want. Looking at the pictures doesn’t make my hunger subside. But my determination to restrict gets stronger.

I can do this. I can get through this one night. I won’t hate the number on the scale tomorrow morning. I will have a reason to be proud of myself. I will be one small step closer to my goal. With one less reason to be mad at myself. One less thing I am screwing up. The battle is constant. But tonight, it is a battle I will win.


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